Fled the Place I Once Called Home

Three weeks ago, I’ve seen a folded note lying on the floor in my apartment’s laundry area. I couldn’t remember the exact date and time since I didn’t think it was important. The only thing I could recall was it was on a weekend and I was about to take a shower. I was either preparing to go to the outreach on Saturday afternoon or attend the service on Sunday morning.

I honestly found it weird how a torn page of a notebook would get there. All my neighbors moved out in September. And although it was a bit illogical given the structure of the apartment, I just suspected the strong wind the night before I saw it as I didn’t want to scare myself.

When I was cleaning the apartment at around 8:30 in the morning on October 24, 2019, I picked up the note to throw it to the trash bin. However, when I unfolded it, I read that a perverted coward human being was asking me if I can sleep with him. He told me he will be back at 4:30 AM and asked me to open the door if I agree.

Upon reading it, I felt so scared. It felt like someone has been watching me all those times, and one of the voices I heard from some people talking at the grassy vacant lot across my back door one evening might be from him.

My fear heightened when on the night of the 24th at around 7 PM, I heard someone knocking on the door, just a few minutes after I finished a lesson. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mentor and asked her to stay on the line with me.

After a few minutes, I heard someone knock on the door again. This time it was a bit louder, and I heard a man’s voice. It sounded like my brother, but I knew it wasn’t him because I am familiar with how he knocks and what he says whenever. Also, there wasn’t that annoying sound of his motorcycle.

I didn’t dare to look through my window to check who it was. No one visits me late at night except for my brother and my mom. And my friend who was supposed to come over messaged me to postpone her plan. Perhaps, he noticed that the note isn’t where he left it anymore and knew that I read it already, that’s why he acted on it.

After I told my brother, they checked on me. But I was still left alone at home. My mentor is pregnant and she had to go to bed early. Another friend who was aware of it has a newborn and I didn’t want to bother her. Others who had no idea about it were already asleep. It was almost midnight and I was desperate for someone to talk to as I couldn’t sleep. I was scared he would come back, at the same time I was ill. Good thing a colleague was awake and was waiting for her lesson at 1 AM.

I went to bed after our conversation. I didn’t know my colleague would call 911. An agent reached me and connected me to our local police department. I felt a bit relieved knowing that they would patrol around the area.

But the heaviness in my heart stayed. I’m in emotional distress until now. No one knew who the person was. My heart pounded every time I’d open my door even in the light of the day. I was scared to go out, or even just check and water my plants. I was scared to use the bathroom, knowing it’s across the area where he walked and left the note.

For more than a week, nothing else happened. Until in the afternoon of November 4, I found that my undergarments hanging on the clothesline were gone. Creepy, I know.

I reported it again but no action from the authorities seemed to take place. Another week passed. I saw that my underwear was back (and disgustingly soiled), and the lightbulb near the backdoor was stolen. It was around 8 PM on November 9. I didn’t think of sleeping in that place anymore. So, I asked a sister if I could stay over for the night.

I reported it to the watchmen in our barangay the same night and went to the police station for a blotter the next day.

He’s probably watching me for a long time. The policemen told me of the things that could possibly happen if I stay in that place longer (which I didn’t intend to do anymore). He could do worse in the next days. And considering the stalker might have seen men in police uniform visited the house, he’d either get scared to come back or would find an opportunity to kill me.

Some grills at the back that were supposed to serve as protection were weak and broken.

Now I’m here in another person’s house as I fled from the place I once called home―the home where I once felt safe and secure. I’m trying to fight my fears and doubt, and find another place where I could live my normal life. I’m hoping the Lord would keep me, and give me the strength not to question the things He allowed to happen, including this scary threat from an unknown perpetrator.

“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalms 118:6 ESV)

The Lord is good, despite all these. The Lord is on my side. With human beings’ total depravity, there’s nowhere on earth that seems safe anymore. And in the midst of my situation, I wished He would take me home. But even this threat can never separate me from His love. Help me remember always, Lord.

The True Blessing In Obedience

For more than a year now, I’ve been battling with depression, anxiety, and occasional panic attacks. Many nights have I groaned and wept and got frustrated with myself for these weaknesses. I have been longing for my recovery and I am still waiting and praying for it to happen. But I see God using this long season of pain, brokenness, and loneliness to draw me closer to Him. And I desire to bear much fruit despite what I am going through.

I am thankful that as I am spending more time with the Lord, especially after very recent traumatic experiences, I get more comfort from Him. But in other days and nights, I have been groaning and crying to God still. Sometimes my tears were associated with the struggles I mentioned but at other times, they come as I battle with myself. The Lord requires me obedience in a certain area of my life. I decided to follow but as I do, it strips me away of every control that I have in it. And He requires me to give away to Him more as I continue. It is tough but I really want to obey. And so, I have to fight against my flesh day by day. Sometimes though, I would ask Him why even though I know there is a greater purpose behind it.

Having sinful human nature, our flesh delight more to rebel than to obey.

In 1 Samuel 15, we would read about the disobedience of Saul towards God. Saul was instructed to strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they haveincluding men and women, children and infants, and all their livestock. Saul went as commanded and destructed the Amalekites with the edge of the sword. However, he and the people spared Agag (the king of Amalek), the best of their livestock, and all that was good, destroying only those that were despised and worthless.

When Saul was confronted by Samuel, he claimed that he had obeyed the voice of the Lord. But his obedience was partial. He even tried to justify his disobedience by pointing the fault to the people with him, and that the animals were spared to be offered as sacrifices to the Lord. But Samuel, receiving the word from the Lord, could not be fooled. We would read in verse 3, “Saul and the people spared…” Saul even went to Carmel to build up a monument for himself and went down to Gilgal where he stated was the place to sacrifice the animals that they have spared.

“And Samuel said, ‘Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.” (1 Samuel 15:22 ESV)

The Lord delights in obedience than burnt offerings and sacrifices. Hence, God rejected Saul as king of Israel for he turned his back from following Him and had not performed His commandments (v.11, 26). Saul confessed that he had sinned because he feared people more than God. Despite this, he was still more concerned about his standing and reputation with the elders and the people, so, he pleaded Samuel to honor him before them, and to return with him that he may bow before God. “So Samuel turned back after Saul, and Saul bowed before the Lord” (v.31).

Saul was able to bow before the Lord as Samuel had changed his mind. However, at the last verse of the chapter, it was written: “And the Lord regretted that he had made Saul king over Israel.” Here we see that God does not change his mind regarding a decision he has made.

The Lord promises His presence in our lives when we choose to obey Him.

In the first chapter of the book of Haggai, we would read about the command of God to rebuild the temple and the obedience of the people to His voice. When the people obeyed, the Lord declared through His messenger, Haggai, “I am with you.” (v. 13). The same is promised in Matthew 28:20, “And behold I am with you always, to the end of the age.” This promise wasn’t given to just anyone, but to those who obey the great commission.

Oftentimes, we decide based on our own desires, or to please other people that we reject what we know God has already told us. And like Saul, it is easy to justify our disobedience to the Lord by saying, “I intend to offer this to You, Lord, for Your glory.” Some things in our life may feel good and look pleasing, but regardless if those things which God does not give us approval seem right, and regardless of how we sincerely want to do them and offer them for His glory, our disobedience is still a sin. Again, obedience is better than sacrifice. God is not glorified in our rebellion, nor does He bless the fruits of our rebellion. For if it was so, then, God could’ve changed His mind in sending out Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden. But here we are, reaping the terrible consequences of the fall. In His sight, partial obedience is still disobedience. He is not pleased in our turning away from His voice and commandments.

Unless we follow the Lord, we will never experience and enjoy a deeper relationship with Him. Our obedience also testifies about our love for the Lord. Jesus said,

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15 ESV)

If we know the Lord tells us to do one thing yet we do otherwise, it exposes our love for something else more than Him. It declares that that something is more important than the Lord Himself. And something that is more important than God is an idol. And what does the Lord do to idols? He crush them and those that trust in them are put to shame.

“If you say you love Christ and do not walk in obedience to Him… it’s just religious talk in your life.” — Steven Lawson

Our God is not a controlling God. It is not His will for His children to suffer, unless, it is for righteousness’ sake. His desire for our obedience is meant for our good—to mold us in Christlikeness—, not harm. He knows the consequences we will reap if we keep turning our backs from following Him and that is not part of the good plans He has for His children. This is why He wants us to follow Him.

The perfect example of obedience is our Lord Jesus Himself. If He did not do as He ought to, there would have been no hope for mankind and no one will be spared from the wrath of God. And we, being the recipient of God’s grace and mercy through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, are called to walk in the same manner. The message of the Gospel wouldn’t have been spread if the disciples and apostles did not do as He commanded. In the many stories of victory in the Bible, God was with those faithful servants, prophets, and Christ-followers who obeyed Him.

Do we not desire God’s presence in our lives? What more do we want, that we choose to rebel than to trust that if we obey, we have the assurance that we are walking in His will? As we follow Him, we have the security that we will receive the promise He has for those who are faithful and obedient to Him. If we truly love the Lord, and if He truly is Lord in our lives then we know what we should be doing and we should be doing it.

Obedience to God is not an easy thing. It requires turning away from the sins we indulge in, letting go of our deep desires which He does not want for us, and giving Him total control in our lives trusting that He knows what is best. The flesh doesn’t want that. It is a tough battle. But the Lord is with us. He will grant us the grace and the strength we need as we choose to follow Him. All these will give God much glory which is infinitely better than anything we offer Him apart from obedience. He is not pleased with the counterfeit glory we decide to give Him to cover up our disobedience to His voice.

The true blessing in obedience is God himself. There is no greater blessing on earth and in heaven than Him. As followers of Christ, we ought to want that. And we will do everything to have that no matter what it would cost us because we need nothing else but Him.


Thank you for reading! If you have questions about faith, please feel free to contact me. God bless you!

Only Mine to Thank Him For

I have been lifting this up to God in prayer and thanksgiving since day one, and I know this day will come… That He is going to take something away from my life again. But this is not like those in the past that I’ve lost, except the unfulfilled statements I’ve wanted to believe and hold on to that I have to dig from my mind and try to forget.

This time, it’s something “good”. Something that has done “good” in my life… A “good gift”. A resemblance of the prayers I’ve mentioned to God since years ago.

I’ve realized, it takes a shorter time to accept losing things that are bad for you. It’s much harder to let go of things that has made a great impact to your life… A great impact that it affected not just you but even those that surround you.

But that’s just how it is. God is in the business of giving and taking away. For what reasons? I can’t fully understand and explain. But these days, He has been taking and taking and taking away from me. I’ve lost the will to chase. I shouldn’t anyway. I no longer want to go back to those pathetic situations I put myself into. I cannot even fight. And I’m already tired of asking questions like “Why have You given me this when You’re just going to take it back?” I need to just trust Him. He is Sovereign. He knows best for my life.

Despite the fact that I anticipated that this is going to happen, it still hurts. Yes. I feel sad. I’m human. I’m capable to feel all sorts of emotions. I have whispered little warnings to my heart a thousand times before this happened: Hey, it might still end the same way as it did with others. Don’t forget…

I did not forget. And. . .

I feel torn. But when wasn’t I?

I feel empty. But when wasn’t I?

I feel scared. But when wasn’t I?

Those have always been my condition all my life.

But God is with me through all of it. . . Has He ever forsaken me? No. There was never a day He left my side.

Every person and things I have in this world are His and not mine. I’m not entitled to anything. Even I. . . I am His. So, I just ask Him to teach my heart not to want anything more when I’m tempted to and just thank Him for what He gives and thank Him for what He takes away and praise Him… Whether my hands are full or empty. I have been mentioning that often lately and I was blessed when I read this which Elisabeth Elliot wrote on Passion & Purity:

“There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul.
It is easy to make a mistake here. ‘If God gave it to me,’ we say, ‘it’s mine. I can do what I want with it.’ No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of– if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory. . .
The more you perceive God’s purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem.”

It’s never easy to let go. Why should we? But God knows exactly what it is for. We say, “If only I have a view of the future. If only I have been shown the bigger picture, then. . .” But the secret things belong to Him and it is up to Him whether He would want to reveal it or not. What is hope if what we hope for is seen?

And this is the Word that I preach to myself right now, 1 Thessalonians 5:16‭-‬18 ESV:

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

It’s so easy to question, to get distracted or sidetracked. The flesh wants what it wants. But we have to set our minds on the things of the spirit. Let God be God. Trust in the process. Look forward to His perfect time. Wait upon the Lord. Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in all circumstances… These will help us focus on the Giver and His goodness rather than on the gift. AND isn’t the Lord even more precious than the good things He gives?

Random Post, Yet Again: Alive and “Writing”

A lot has been going on in my life. I guess it’s normal. Many times I have thought of writing something, but I couldn’t find the words. I had been through a roller coaster of emotions and unexpected events yet again. But there were lessons from them as well. Now let me share the significant things that happened in my life in the past seven months.

Leaving the Leadership and Ministry, and Serving at the Outreach

I finally decided to resign from my leadership position at church. It was one of the hardest decisions to make. I had voiced out my desire to go several times, but for some important reasons, I couldn’t yet. I’d say it was a blessing to be appointed since 2013 as one of the youngest core leaders led by our pastor and his wife. It was a good experience to serve, an opportunity to grow in faith, and to learn more about the church. However, I knew God has a different calling for me, especially as a woman. That’s why I took the courage to leave after thinking and praying about it for two years or more. I left my part-time job at the church at the same time. I was at peace in my decision.

I left the children’s ministry at my local church as well. It was only temporary at first since I had been told to get some rest due to my struggles at that time. Then, it happened that there was a need to start and establish a children’s ministry at our church’s 2-year-old outreach miles away from our hometown, so I took that chance. It was painful because I have been a part of that ministry for more than half of my Christian life, and I love our students. But there are more children in need to hear and study the Word, and no one has fully committed yet that time. So, I did. There were only a different set of students, but the service is the same. And those little ones who I meet every week are wonderful blessings. Not to mention the place at the foot of the mountain, and the three-hour travel time back and forth, which is unwinding.

Financial Setback

Since I started teaching at an online ESL company this February, I had to start fully supporting myself again. Things went well at first. I had fully-booked classes on weeknights and some more students on weekends. I earned enough to pay the bills, buy food, and other necessities. But after two months, there was about a 75% decrease in the number of my students, including the regular ones. Not to mention, the sudden delays in the payout which affected me, especially that I also left my admin job at our church. The salary I got wasn’t even enough to pay my bills.

Another opportunity was opened to me in May, but I had to find the means and resources to follow-through. Having debts was the last thing I had in mind, and I tried so hard not to spend more money than what I had left. But I knew in my current situation that it couldn’t be helped. I had to go through a series of interviews, exams, training, and QA lessons at their service center. I was required to find a place to stay as it is very far from my hometown, and to spend more on food and in traveling back and forth. I am now allowed to teach home-based after passing QA lessons, and still, the bookings are unreliable. But I’m hoping that I will earn enough to be able to pay my debts and my monthly bills and expenses. God is still faithful to provide. I don’t know how I could survive without His help. And I don’t even deserve anything.

It is hard to live an independent life as an adult. But the good thing about this tough experience is I learned new ways to spend less and save more. If you know me personally, I am not someone who spends too much ever since I was a young girl. So, finding out more ways to live a simpler and better life is a gem.

Losing Relationships, Strengthening What’s Left, and Reconnecting with Old Ones

If you were a trusted confidant, you’d know how much I’ve lost from others’ betrayals. I know it shouldn’t be a surprise considering that we live in a fallen world. Anyone can let you down. One left without a word. Some others did me wrong. But I think the last one that hit me harder than the rest was receiving false and degrading assumptions from people I looked up to because of some falsehood thrown against me by someone I trusted. None of them dared hear me nor give me the benefit of the doubt. It led to accepting a painful decision because even those who knew the truth kept their silence. But I kept reminding myself that God knows everything. I reap the consequences until now, but I trust His promises.

On the other hand, my relationship with my younger sisters in my former accountability group remained the same even though we have gone separate ways. In those tough moments, I knew I still have a good support system willing to pray for me, and understand–not invalidate–the pain which I’ve gone through.

Some close friends who I lost before reconnected with me. Isn’t that surprising? We were able to catch up and spend time together, and I am thankful for that. However, I’ve learned to keep a safe distance from some of them to avoid the past from happening again. I didn’t want to be suspicious of their intentions, but someone close to me has warned me about my tendencies of being a doormat, used, and taken for granted easily. I value my relationships, but it was helpful to discern whether they are genuine or not. I understand that we should be loving but not tolerating.

Other Semi-Important Updates

My 10-year-old dream to own a domain came true last month! Thanks to my friend Apple and her fiancé. I’m currently working on the main site (coming soon mode), where I hope I could share biblical truths and insights, especially to other women. Also, Dear Kathrin, on its subdomain, is already up. I will post about online ESL teaching and other learnings as a teacher and student of life itself. I’ve started container gardening and living a more sustainable lifestyle recently. So, that’s where I’ll write updates about those topics, too. If you’re interested, you can check Dear Kathrin and follow as well. Below are the logos I created for both blogs.

I’ll keep posting on this blog, but I decided not to have this hosted under my domain. This blog is still my haven on the internet–but never better than God, my true refuge, whether I’m online or hiding from the rest of the world.

Anyway, those were the major things that happened since the first quarter of the year. I’ve noticed it’s the fourth quarter already. Time flies! How have you been?

Journal Entry: Trusting the Faithful and Loving God (10/23/2015)

Thank You, LORD for holding my heart. No matter what I do, You are always there reminding me that I can do just about anything because You give me strength… Even if it’s one of the hardest things, like letting go. I know You only want to give me peace. Because for such a long time I’ve been living with the fear and pain and confusion that the very thing I kept holding on to has kept giving me. There will be days that I’ll doubt if I made the right choice. There will be days that I’ll yearn to look back. But keep reminding me that there’s nothing left in the past for me. I need to focus and believe again to the plans and promises You have for me. There will be nights when my eyes will be filled with tears again but just as how You’ve been to me on my dark days and lonely nights… I trust that You will still be with me. Thank You for the truth that that trust will not be failed. You are the God who keeps His Word. You are not human who has the tendency to betray. LORD, lead me to Your will. Let me desire that good, perfect and pleasing will that You have for my life. Continue to mend my heart. I know that when things start to fall apart, I need not fear because it will fall still in Your loving hands. As it is written in Your Word, You hold all creation together. Therefore I am safe. I will always be thankful because You, my Lord, are my God… My gracious and loving and faithful God. Truly, You are worthy of worship and praise. Thank You for being there for me always.

Journal Entry: Be Still. Wait Patiently Upon God. (04/26/2012)

There were times when I feel that my faith is shaking… That’s when I guess I fail to give my full trust to God. How many times have I let [the] fear of some things trouble my heart? Sometimes, I get so impatient, not realizing that impatience teaches me to doubt… to doubt what He can do, to doubt who He is, to doubt His existence… When my heart clearly knows and believes that He is God and that He lives. I admit those weaknesses in me that’s why I do my best to keep strong knowing God is the source of my strength. I know that being a Christian has welcomed me to more struggles that I have never even encountered. As long as I live, circumstances will always come and test how much my faith can stand. But I will be still knowing that time will come when the Lord will finally take us with Him… By then, I want Him to find me and my faith standing still and waiting patiently upon Him. I can do everything through Him!

Journal Entry: Life is Better with God (Sunday 12/17/2017)

Often, when I struggle to find the words to communicate with God, I write them in my journal. This is one of the many prayers I’ve written which I find comfortable sharing. As I was writing this, the Lord was teaching me about the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:25-35) through a sermon I had been listening to that time. I have shared the link below. I am thankful having our God who is not like any other and also amazed at His faithfulness not just to a broken and messy person like me, but also in the lives of our siblings in Christ. In sharing this, may the Lord who is the only source of our faith, be glorified.

Father God, thank You for this another wonderful day. Thank You for the new learnings and experiences I’ve had, including the past few days. I am thankful for Your faithfulness always. It just amazes me how You work in us and teach us of important lessons in this tough journey as Christians.

Lately, You were teaching me about the cost of discipleship… the cost of being Your disciple. It actually dreads me to think that I have to set aside everything being set apart to serve and to glorify You in my life. It honestly is hard to hate my own life and turn my back on things in this world that seem so good to me. But if I think deeper about it, life is really better with You. Maybe, uncertainties and great unknowns are just really scary. I mean, it would be easier to follow You and do just what You say if we know where it leads us or what will happen, right? But no growth will come out of it. And You know best. What our faith in You puts us into are all beneficial to and good for us… even though we really could not understand everything.

Thank You because we can just rely and depend on you and we will not be failed… all the trust we give You are safe. Thank You because everyday, You are helping me and teaching me. I’m praying for a life of wisdom, that which is worthy to share Your Gospel to people who need to hear it.

LORD, thank You also for using me to encourage my sisters in Christ. I couldn’t have done it if not because of You. Apart from You, I cannot do anything. But I praise You because of the works You are doing not just in my life, but in the lives of other people around me as well. I often think why I had to go through the struggles I’ve gone through before and even just lately. But You were able to use them as a testimony of Your love and grace and forgiveness. Thank You, LORD.

There really is no one like You. How great it is that You are my God! I am blessed beyond measure… even loved. Always fill my heart with thanksgiving. You’re the Lover of my soul, the Giver of good things in my life, my Rescuer, my Hope… thank You for loving me and for using me despite my brokenness. Thank You, LORD! Always make my mind and my heart look to You. All praises and glory to You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

To watch the sermon from Steven Lawson, “It Will Cost You Everything”, which spoke about the cost of discipleship, click here. I hope you will be blessed in the truth preached in that sermon as I have been. God bless you!

Psalm 13: I Will Trust in Your Steadfast Love

One of the hardest parts of my life has often been waking up in the morning frail. Today is one of those days. My heart is heavy and throbbing but I often go to sleep at night with comfort and in peace. Even though I experience this for years already, it is still hard for me to understand and I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this.

I continued my daily spiritual discipline: to pray and read the Scriptures before I get up from my bed. More than ever, it is my desire to know my Lord Jesus that I may be able to walk closer with Him, despite these struggles. I read the 14th chapter of the book of Mark today. And receiving the word from verses 34-36, I was reminded that Jesus, being fully man and God, is never unaware of all the afflictions this life brings. He actually walked the worst path bearing the sins of mankind. This particular event happened in Gethsemane before Judas betrayed Jesus:

And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.” And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:34-36 ESV)

We can take comfort in this truth: Jesus understands our sorrows and His perfect obedience to the Heavenly Father was to deliver us from sin and the painful reality of this temporal life and to give us hope in the glorious day that was promised to come. But while we are on this fallen world, we are to take up our cross and follow Him.

I am still learning day by day. I must admit that there are times when the hurt is just unbearable or my flesh is really pulling me down, wanting immediate comfort than endure the unknowns the day is going to bring. It is hard even though I am aware of God’s promise of new mercy and compassion each morning.

Earlier, I wanted to remain in my bed to sleep or to stare at the ceiling and self-loathe because of this stubborn desire to drown in the depths of my complex mind. Present my hows and whys to the Lord or beat me up for the regrets and I-should-haves in the distant past. Yet God is too wise that he left me with no other places or people to run to but Him. Take up your cross and live this day, Kath.

I defeated my flesh! Thank You, God, for the grace. I got up to open my laptop, reminding myself of the online course I enrolled myself to. But I saw the Psalm 13 song in my Music folder and in curiosity listened to it, and while reading the actual Psalm 13 in the Bible, the tears I kept holding back welled and fell down from my tired eyes suddenly. Now, I am here typing this post (I’ll go back to check my course, don’t worry).

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

(Psalm 13:1-6 ESV)

Many times, I have asked and pleaded the same things with God. There were days, especially in the past, when I felt like He has hidden from me. How heartbreaking it is to feel that the One who loved me truly and deeply seemed to turn away from me… Leaving questions unanswered… allowing painful things to happen. But as I continue reading the Word, I get the assurance that the Lord speaks. My groanings and cries never fall on deaf ears. All He asks is for me to trust Him.

God asks us to trust Him. Trust Him enough to listen and follow His Word knowing His love is unfailing. The steadfast love of the Lord has brought us salvation through Christ, and in this, our hearts shall rejoice. To Him shall our souls bring songs and praises. In the abundance of His goodness, He redeemed us from His wrath. He never left us in our helpless and vile state but delivered us from sin’s curse. How much more will He not give us the grace to carry our cross, especially, through the days when we are most frail? We may be weak but God is strong and omnipotent. Even if things in our lives seem to fall apart, they fall on His mighty hands that work wonders and miracles. He holds all things together. Because our God is sovereign, wise, and immutable, those who put their trust in Him will not be shaken nor be put to shame. Thank You, Father.


Journal Entry: God Remains the Same (10/15/2015)

“Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth
and made the heavens with your hands.
They will perish, but you remain forever;
they will wear out like old clothing.
You will change them like a garment
and discard them.
But you are always the same;
you will live forever.” (Psalm 102:25-27 NLT)

We all have but a little time on earth. But so many things on that span come and change. And we all have but a short life to chase and run after those we built in a matter of years and lost in the blink of an eye.

Are we here to live as though walking on a treadmill?

Walking but not going anywhere?

Getting but never able to keep holding?

Oh, dear, change happens a lot and I understand the fear of losing things and people and sight of familiar places. But that is why we need God. He is constant. He stays. He remains the same. He lives and loves you forever. And yes, He never changes His mind.


Thank you for reading! If you have questions about faith, please feel free to contact me. God bless you!

Journal Entry: God is With You Wherever You Go (Saturday 03/08/2013)

Lately, I’ve realized that almost all good things come to an end. I’ve learned that everything in this world is so temporary. Except for God and His wonderful love, nothing on earth will last forever. Even this place will someday be gone. This life is full of uncertainties. One moment you are holding on to something and then you’ll wake up finding out that it has already come down to nothing. People come and go. Even memories fade. What will be left that will never leave? I cannot tell. And so my heart aches. This must be the reason why God doesn’t want us to get attached to everything life on earth offers because nothing here is permanent. The only constant thing in this world is change. And it’s hard to embrace change. Seriously, I always come to a point when I fear that time might leave me behind. Because I have a habit of holding on to people who made me feel that I exist… long after things already refused to stay the same. And I guess it’s something which God teaches me. God must’ve been telling me,

“My child, move on. Go on. Walk further. Walk farther from where you are and from where you’ve been. Leave the past. Live your present life and look forward to your future. Your future is not in what had passed, it is in Me.”

God must’ve been wanting me to continue to step closer to Him. Because He holds it all. And I might not be able to reach the place He has prepared for me if I always look back and choose to stay. He must be asking me to leave all the loads I carry behind. Because He wants me to focus and He wants me to be stronger that I may be able to bear what lies ahead. And I cannot be stronger if I depend on things which already left me. I cannot be stronger if I don’t fight the battle between the old me and the present me. If I don’t take steps forward I will not get anywhere. And I will always get left behind.

“Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” (Joshua 1:9)

Things that come to an end… People who leave… Memories that fade… All these have shown me how this life can be lonelier than it already is. This life is harder when the things you hold onto started to leave you. Through these situations, God tells me that everything which seems to be everything is actually nothing. But God is truly everything. He never leaves and His love endures forever. There is more to life He gives than to what life on this world offers. Someday, this place will be gone. Everything in it will fall down. All the things I valued on earth will crash in front of my eyes. I will be left with nothing. But I will take courage for I will still have God and will have everything. He will always be with me wherever I go. He will be with me forever. And right now, all I wanted to learn is to hold on to His love, because it is what will never change. His love will never ever change. Neither will it ever end.


Thank you for reading! If you have questions about faith, please feel free to contact me. God bless you!

My Testimony of God’s Grace

Hello there! My name is Maria Kathrina. You can call me “Kath”, as most of my friends and my church family do. It has been my desire to write about my personal testimony about how I got saved. I’ve always shared this story at church and with other people every time I had the opportunity and finally, after years, here it is.

Even at a very young age, I’ve always believed there is a God. When I was a kid, we would sometimes go to the chapel and pray before going home from school. I pray to Him. But I never really knew Him until God turned my life around.

My story was sort of a long pursuit. God was so patient in pursuing me. It took many years of being lost until God opened my heart to seek Him. He found me. And even if I had to go through that hardship, I am thankful that God took me out of the darkness into the light, and gave these blind eyes sight. I am grateful that He washed my sins through the blood of Jesus Christ and gave me the hope of eternal life with Him. Looking back, I wouldn’t think I would choose Him. BUT He chose me… even before the foundation of the world. And He promises me a life I never deserve.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.” (Ephesians 1:3-10 ESV)

If you are going through the same thing I’ve gone through… I want to let you know that there is hope in Him no matter what you have done in the past, how bad your life seems, who and what you are, or how much of a sinner you think you are right now. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

And in Romans 6:23…“For the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

There is hope in Jesus. Jesus came to the earth, sacrificed His life on the cross, and rose from the grave, so, that those who trust and have faith in Him may obtain forgiveness of their sins. In Him is great love…
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 ESV)

God is calling us to come to Him… To repent of our sins, turn from our old ways, and follow Him.

Only God can fill the places in our hearts and souls that feel hunger and thirst. He alone satisfies and He alone brings true purpose and meaning to our empty lives. Believe in the truth. Believe in Jesus.

Thank you for reading! If you have questions about faith, please feel free to contact me. God bless you!